Joke

There once was a bus of ugly people. The bus crashed, and they all went up to heaven. God said, "I will grant you all 1 wish before you enter."
The first person in line says, "Well...I wish to be gorgeous." And with the snap of his fingers, it is done.
The second person in line hears him, and says, "Me too, I wish to be gorgeous." And with the snap of his fingers, it is done.
So on and on the line wants to be gorgeous. The last person in line laughs very loudly and God asks, "What is so funny?"
"Make em' all ugly again!"

*not tryin to be mean to ugly people

 

ok what do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhino??? elephino lol i know its corny

 

uhh..yeah, that was a good one! Im not much of a joker so no jokes from me

 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quciker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. Peter figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled the jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. you have tennis elbow
2. soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor
3. it will be better in 2 weeks......
That evening while thinking how amazing this computer was, he wondered if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, a urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a semen sample from himself. He went back to the drugstore, poured the concoction in and the computer did its normal noise and flashing. Then printed out the follwing slip of paper:
1. your tap water is too hard
2. get a water softener
3. your dog has ringworm
4.bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo
5. your daughter is using cocaine.
6. put her in rehab
7.your wife is pregnant.......twin girls they aren't your. get a lawyer.
8.[Edited by Mod]

 

LOL!!!! That's a good one, though I'm not too sure the mods will allow #8

 

yeah, I just copied and pasted, didn't see all of it, its actually a lot more to the joke than I read. sorry guys!

 

LMAO!!!!!!!

 

Thank God for the moderators...
A twist on the duck joke...

So these two ladies go up to heaven, and St. Peter says "Enjoy yourself in heaven, but I have to warn you, see all the geckos? We like the geckos. DON'T step on any geckos."

So St. Peter gives them a tour, and they were enjoying the wonderous sites, being careful not to step on any geckos. Then this lady passes them that is chained to the ugliest man they ever saw. They asked St. Peter "WHY is that lady chained to that ugly man?"
St. Peter replied "She stepped on a gecko".

So they were VERY CAREFUL not to step on any geckos. But one day, one of the ladies accidently stepped on one. Right away she was taken away and chained to a really ugly man for all eternity.

So the other lady was EXTRA careful not to step on any geckos. Inspite of that, one day she was dragged off by a Guard and an Angel, and they chained her to a man. She was screaming "No, no, I never stepped on a gecko". She looked up at the man, and saw that he was extremely handsome. She was so surprised. "Wow, I don't know what I did to deserve this..." she said with a wide grin.

The man looked at her and replied,
"Well, I don't know about you lady, but I stepped on a gecko".

 

LOL, that's funny. I like that one! A bit curious what #8 was from the urine test

 

#8 was the punchline

 

Well, I figured that! You are evil!!!

 

I caught the punchline before it got moderated...but, I FORGOT...that is a good thing in this instance. Sorry Janice, can't help you.

"Out of all the things I have lost in my life, I miss my mind the most..."

 

wow, an ozzy fan . . . interesting.

~Will.

 

lol i know the punchline but im not about ot post it for the sake of the mods and other users lol

 

Either that or somebody watched "Hackers" recently

 

what do you get when you mix a bull dog and a shih tzu? i'll let you figure it out lol

 

a dog tzu? :? thats not very funny.

 

shih dog? dog shih? tzu dog? dog tzu?

I don't really have a joke but a story, don't be afraid to read.

It goes like this:

I was at my friend's house after the lacrosse game, we were all sitting around the couches about to go to sleep when people started saying jokes. The guy (we'll call him Mr. A) next to me gets into a story and it went something like this:

Mr. A decides to hang out with his one friend who he hasn't seen in hella long because he had moved. So he goes over to his house. They chill out, eat some grub, watch a few movies, play video games, talk, all that good teenage stuff. They really start to catch up about everything they've missed. They talk about girls, cars, music, tv, everything basically.

Now at this point he's kinda hungry and he has to empty his bladder. He gets up and walks out then realizes he doesn't know where the bathroom is. Its all good, guess and check. Real men never ask for directions.

Eventually after trial and error he successfully expelled the contents of his bladder into the toilet. Mr. A now heads down the staircase to the kitchen for their snacks. His eyes are a little dry and he's feeling slightly tired, but he doesn't want to just go to sleep and put an end to the fun with his friend. As he enters the kitchen he notices there isn't much light, which is normal, considering its past midnight and there's no reason to have lights on.

He then proceeds to the refridgerator, and just a few feet from it is a lawn gnome. This wasn't a lawn gnome, like a small lawn gnome that you'd have on your lawn, this is a big one, probably about 4 and a half feet tall with the hat on. From the dim light he analyzes it. Its very eerie and out of place in a kitchen in a suburban home. It was steady but it looked as if it were looking at him.

As freaky and abnormal as it was he decided to just grab the food out of the refridgerator and return to the safety of his friend's room. As he walked up the stairs he looked back giving a good stare into the darkness by the refridgerator. Becoming half hypnotized by the whirring of the fridge. Mr. A, our hero, snaps out of it and walks upstairs.

He enters his friend's room quietly.
"What took you so long?" His friend asked
"I got lost trying to find the bathroom" he replied
"What kinda food did you get?"
"Chips, soda, some crackers, thats about it."
"Awesome, hand me some"

They resume watching the movie and after a few minutes of silence Mr. A decides to ask a question his mind has been asking since he entered the kitchen:

"Hey dude, what the **** is up with that lawn gnome?"
"What lawn gnome?" His friend replied in a confused tone
"You know, the one in the kitchen, by your fridge..."
....

...

..

.

"...There's no lawn gnome in my kitchen..."
"Dude, it was there, I saw it."
"Maybe you were just seeing things, it was probably pretty dark"
"Man maybe you're right..."

The movie continues but Mr. A still feels a little weird about everything.

So about three weeks later he gets a call from his friend

"Dude, remember that lawn gnome you saw?"
"Yea, why?"
"Well when I had my other friend over he said he saw it too, so we talked to the police..."
"...what?"
"Well... you're not gonna believe this but it turns out there was a midget living in our attic. He was dressed as a lawn gnome and would come down every night and steal food. When people see him he would just freeze"

 

The answer is bull shih :wink: meaning, of course, bull sh**
That story about the midget knome guy is right creepy :shock:

 

OOH, that is creepy. Was the guy committed?